Gossip Girls ... and Boys

By Ty Bradley
ty@gayblade.com

“Who told you this?”
“They.”
“They talk a lot, don’t they?”
“They certainly do.”
— Pulp Fiction (1994)

This brilliant bit of dialogue between Mia Wallace (Uma Thurman) and Vincent Vega (John Travolta) highlights a fundamental truth concerning most if not humans’ propensity to feed the “rumor mill.” We (not “they”) find it quite easy to gossip. It is an almost innate instinct that we possess as human beings. When together, we seem naturally inclined to identify who is not present, but known to those who are, and commence with discussing the absent person.
Talking about others seems innocuous enough: It’s hardly inappropriate to ask about the status of mutual friends. Yet, we must admit that such innocent inquiries frequently become the preamble to a more in-depth discussion about the juicy details of a person’s life and the sharing of distinct opinions on that person’s circumstances or actions. Eventually, we dispense with the pleasantries altogether and jump right into “So, did you hear about…?”
Of course, we do not need reminding that such behavior is unsavory. As we instinctively are given to blather about each other, we also instinctively understand that doing so is at best a “guilty” pleasure. Perhaps because we cannot escape putting ourselves in their shoes, we know from the first iota of hearsay that we are not behaving properly. We hear our mother’s admonishing, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.” We know that there is a “right and wrong” dynamic involved.
Our community has a particular reputation for this conduct. A circle of “catty queens” no sooner forms than someone who is not present is being dressed down for any number of reasons. The L Word series thrive largely on the dirty deeds that Sapphos do on the sly.
Beyond the queer community, our culture reinforces this behavior in many ways. The 24-hour news cycle and blogosphere have reshaped the way we receive and process information and current events. We become informed about our world primarily through the vehicle of talking heads offering their “expert” opinions on everything and everyone in the news. Most online news stories afford us the opportunity to sound off on the story through a “comments” section that follows every story. News channels are constantly encouraging us to “call the show” or e-mail our opinions so that we can participate in what is now called, appropriately enough, “the chattering class.”
Of course, mouthing off about politics is a far cry from gossiping about people, and it probably is a good use of constitutionally protected rights. Our obsession with “dishing” about celebrities, however, does fall a lot closer to unfavorable buzz. We opine about bachelors, Kardashians, Lohans and whoever else is “in” at any given time. We are conditioned to feel entitled, on the basis of the thinnest of facts, to engage in scathing criticism and draw absolute conclusions about people whom we don’t even know.
How much more entitled, then, do we feel to discuss people we do know and make unabashed judgments and critiques on their circumstances— particularly when they are not present to correct or, at the very least, address our presumptions and supposed expertise on the subject of “them”?
The real problem with talking behind people’s backs — which, lets face it, is what we are really doing — is not that they are not there to defend themselves; it is that their absence affords us the luxury of not putting a human face on the matter we are so freely discussing.
It is precisely because it is intrinsically dehumanizing that gossip and bad-mouthing is such a pernicious activity. Contrary to the popular children’s axiom, words do hurt us. They hurt us all the time, perhaps more than any other thing in our lives can.
The Book of Proverbs cautions us that the power of life and death itself resides in the tongue. With it we can build up or we can tear down. We can speak blessing and good will into our world or we can speak curses and ill will. Whichever we choose to engage in absolutely has an effect both on we who are speaking as well as those whom we discuss.
Perhaps, then, the ability to bridle as best as one can the power of the tongue is one of the surest signs of a healthy and well-nurtured spirit. A spiritually mature person strives not to allow the absence of another person to translate into the freedom to dehumanize him or her through gossip.
The Bible indicates that a tongue that is completely under control belongs to a perfect person. None of us is perfect. Most of us, myself included, will not live out the remainder of our lives without gossiping on someone or clandestine criticism. However, we can do our best to live up to this variation on the most commonly shared moral value in the world: Speak of others, as we would have others speak of us.