The Day of Silence
By Erik Edler, Licensed Psycotherapist
The Day of Silence in April is about promoting safer schools, tolerance and positive change for young people who are struggling with their sexuality. We’ve moved from the days when kids played a game called “Smear the Queer,” to having kids bringing guns to school to shoot and kill gay-identified peers. The danger is no longer only toward gay-identified kids but also students caught in the crossfire, whether figuratively or literally.
The Day of Silence Web site asks, “What are you going to do to end the silence?” As society’s awareness and acceptance of gay people has increased, the issue has become one of addressing homosexuality in the school and the issues young people have with the emergence and development of their sexuality. In the past, if a kid wasn’t developing in the traditional, expected, heterosexual way, there was only one response: negative feedback. Those who deviated from the norm were criticized, ostracized, harassed and physically “coerced.” Psychologists have long known the kind of impact this kind of experience has on a person’s mental and emotional health.
Many gay people have grown up and escaped the miseries of school life and yet still live with a kind of deep “silence” that quietly exerting its influence over a person’s personality, choices and relationships. That person still feels a kind of fear, a kind of sadness, a difficulty getting close to others, and yet they don’t know why or understand where it comes from. Sometimes it’s so second nature that they hardly realize it’s there.
How we are treated at home and at school can influence our self-image. From our childhood through adolescence and into adulthood, we look to others to see what they’re telling us about ourselves. As adults, we begin to re-evaluate the messages we received as kids, and we can learn to assess ourselves with the rationality and self-reflection that comes with adulthood. We can also begin to learn to be self-validating. But it’s a lot better to have things develop in a healthy way the first time around, than to try and undo the damage sustained in our youth. If we can help kids, parents and schools approach the issue of homosexuality in a healthy way, we can avoid doing the damage to gay or questioning young people that can lead to a variety of self-destructive, acting-out behaviors and bad choices.
Our enthusiasm for life and our ability to create and maintain healthy, intimate relationships is deeply tied to our self-concept and a healthy connection with our true self. We come into this world with unique personalities and characteristics. We’re here to express the divine spark of the universe in a way that’s never existed before and will never be again. Our parents are supposed to recognize this and foster our individuality, helping us discover who we really are so that we can share this special contribution with the world. This uniqueness is our “True Self” and the source of our energy for life and love.
When we find that our parents are not going to validate or encourage our true selves, but instead are going to place conditions on their love, we quickly learn to adapt. We discover that if we want our parents’ love and approval and the acceptance of other adults and our peers, we’ll have to suppress the true self that could serve as an obstacle to that goal. We begin the psychological construction of a “False Self,” one who helps us receive the positive feedback we need from others. But there is a high price. It takes a lot of psychological energy to suppress your natural self and maintain a façade for the benefit of everyone else. This is a big issue for those who grow up gay and who find that a lot of falsehood is required in order to be accepted by parents and peers.
The various workarounds are then seen in the person’s personality — narcissism, cynicism, perfectionism, passive-aggressiveness, tough exterior, an excessive working out, drug and sexual addiction, materialism, a controlling manner or a flippant attitude. But the price is always paid — in depression, anxiety and lack of intimacy.
We see how the name-calling, harassment and criticism during the school years can be internalized, stuffed into the unconscious and finally end up in the anguish and difficulties of the adult years. If we can prevent this kind of thing from happening in childhood, it can save a person many years of suffering and repair work.
When you hear the question “What are you going to do to end the silence?” think not only of the work that needs to be done in our families and schools, but look inside yourself and ask the same question.
Erik Edler is a licensed psychotherapist in Seal Beach. You can contact him at erikedler2@charter.net or check out www.erikedler.com.