Not Really Happy About Being Gay
By Erik Edler
Q. My family always puts me down for being gay—basically for “acting like a girl” when I was growing up. Of course, I got the same criticism from other kids, too. I’ve come out, but I’m not really happy about being gay and I don’t like myself.
A. Self-acceptance is so fundamental. You can’t have peace of mind if you’re at war with yourself. In the normal developmental process, our sense of self comes from the feedback we get from others: first from our parents and families and, second, from our peers. The one thing that almost all gay people experience from the beginning is that our parents and families didn’t want us to be gay. The majority of gay men demonstrated at least some feminine traits as kids, and usually the response was criticism and rejection. The message we receive as little boys is that it’s unacceptable to have feminine qualities. Gay women also experience disapproval for demonstrating overly masculine qualities as kids. However, typically society finds feminine qualities in a boy more disdainful than masculine qualities in a girl. In any case, as kids all that we know how to do is to be ourselves, feminine qualities and all—and to be so harshly criticized for these can leave a deep internal sense that there’s something seriously wrong with us, something basically unacceptable and even shameful. We internalize the rejecting, shaming attitude of those who said, “Don’t act like a girl,” etc. Our parents may or may not have been this direct; they may have just pulled away, but the rejecting vibe is nonetheless unmistakable.
You’ll need to work through this internalized self-rejection. This comes by really facing those feelings, allowing yourself to experience and confront them, rather than just glossing over them with an I-don’t-care defense mechanism. What’s needed is being real with someone, a therapist or a safe, reliable friend, talking about how your sense of self was hurt or damaged by the rejection and criticism of growing up gay, sharing the embarrassing and hurtful memories and feelings, and allowing them to be finally bathed in compassion and understanding. You can’t stay in that place where your internal spirit is still agreeing with those who think there’s something shameful about being gay or having feminine qualities. A suit-of-armor defensiveness about being gay may work when dealing with the world, but for you to finally feel OK within yourself, to have that deep-down knowledge that you’re OK the way you are, can only come from opening up about what you’ve been through and risking being responded to with acceptance.
Q. My cousin has invited my whole family to her wedding, but has made it clear that my partner of the last two years isn’t welcome. I’m very offended. I won’t go to the wedding if my partner can’t come, too. Family members are taking sides – some agree with me, some with my cousin and some are on the fence. I’m so angry I almost want to cut myself off completely from my family. What can I do about this?
A. There are times when it finally does become necessary to separate yourself from your family – if they are too toxic and keep you from growing into your full, true self and living a happy life – but this doesn’t sound like one of those times. Some of your family members are accepting of your partner and agree that your partner should be at the wedding, as a full and genuine member of the family. This is very positive and should be recognized. I hope you would express to those family members how much their support means to you. Those who are on the fence might still be won over, but only if you remain engaged with them and pursue a dialogue about what it means to be gay and to have a partner. Perhaps you could also have the family members who are accepting of your partner talk with those who are not accepting or who are on the fence; they might be able to help them see things differently. I would suggest that you don’t let your anger get the better of you and make a rash decision. This might be an area when you lose a battle but end up winning the war. Cutting yourself off from your family might prevent you from gradually helping them to understand and see things differently. You may not be able to get them to come around to your way of thinking in time for the wedding, but if you stay engaged with your family, this will be a focal point that you can continue to discuss, if you can approach it without anger.
I would suggest that you take the long view. Forgive your family members for their ignorance and make plans to continue the discussion with the intent of helping them see things from your point of view. If you decide not to go to the wedding, make allowances for the family members that do. Even the ones who agree with you, or who are on the fence, may not want to be caught in the middle and end up having family members offended at them as well. Grant everyone a little grace, let the wedding come and go, and continue to make your case in a gentle yet firm way that doesn’t split the family apart, but that wins them gradually over to your way of thinking.
Erik Edler is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Seal Beach. He can be contacted at (949) 735-1725 or visit www.erikedler.com.